Everyone talks about "reaching out" and "building relationships," especially with people who are different than ourselves in some way--race, status, age. At school, the battle cry for 5 years has been "Rigor, relevance, relationships," with the a priori that without relationships, we won't be able to create rigor or relevance. And even though I understand the effectiveness at having good relationships with others in the school, often the discussions and techniques for "building relationships" seems....artificial. Contrived.
At church, the message has been about reaching the neighborhood surrounding us, with the unspoken understanding that the neighborhood is radically different than us; too often, I suspect that the well meaning people at my church see the people in the 'hood as object lessons for what happens when a person makes poor life choices, doesn't get a good education and a lucrative career. Our temptation often is to fix those people and their lives, not to build relationships with them. However well meaning we are--and however helpful we can be--that's still judgmental. We're better, we're the ones with the answers, the resources, and God wants us to use those to help you. All true and good, probably--but still judgmental and superior.
At church, the message has been about reaching the neighborhood surrounding us, with the unspoken understanding that the neighborhood is radically different than us; too often, I suspect that the well meaning people at my church see the people in the 'hood as object lessons for what happens when a person makes poor life choices, doesn't get a good education and a lucrative career. Our temptation often is to fix those people and their lives, not to build relationships with them. However well meaning we are--and however helpful we can be--that's still judgmental. We're better, we're the ones with the answers, the resources, and God wants us to use those to help you. All true and good, probably--but still judgmental and superior.
Anyway, last Sunday the message was an eloquent plea for redefining who our neighbor is, via "The Good Samaritan." (Yes, I know how shocked the audience was by that interpretation.) The speaker, an earnest, articulate man, spoke about Jesus in the ghetto, talking to the homeboys and ho's and challenging us, the comfortable, to leave our comfort zone and talk to our neighbors.
But the picture I get isn't Jesus preaching at them. The gospels record sermons to large groups--the Sermon on the Mount, the Sermon on the Plain. But there aren't great sermons from the Jerusalem 'hood. I have a theory--Jesus didn't go to the ghetto to talk to the poor, disenfranchised, disaffected people on the edges of society; He went so he didn't lose sight of what mattered, of why he was here, anyway. He went to remind himself who the people he was called to love really were.
When he went to the ghetto, I suspect Jesus wasn't talking; he was listening. Nodding, thinking, supporting, maybe asking questions--but questions that showed he was curious about their experience, that he cared about what was going on in their lives. Not implicitly judgmental questions, slyly asserting the superiority of his views and life choices.
I've spent hours--years, really--with dedicated, sincere people who explain how to build relationships with "minorities," or "our students," or "the unchurched"--anyone who is not "us," really. Almost always, they focus on what you say. In fact--active listening techniques aren't about listening, they are about talking! In theory, it's about how what you say about what you hear, but it's still not about how to listen. Not really. There are serious limits to active listening's core advice: show you're empathetic and trying to understand by restating what the person says. There are times that works, yes.But if that's the extent of how we build relationships and relate to the "not us" people, wow. No real communication there. No real understanding or building bridges or reaching out.
The gospels don't include a "Sermon from the 'Hood" because there wasn't one; building relationships and loving people rarely involves prolonged lectures. Jesus lectured other places, other times, maybe even to other types of people. But in the 'Hood, he listened. He learned, not just the facts--facts are easy to learn--but he learned what the faces of his people looked like as they talked to him. He didn't memorize mission statements; he memorized the faces that made the mission statement matter.
But we've established long ago that I don't like all the cuddly, happy, relationship-building, team-building happy crap. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I really don't know as much about reaching out as all the people who preach "active listening" and "protocols for building relationships." But for all the talk about building bridges and the importance of relationships, I don't see many campfires surrounded by people of all ages, all races, all socio-economic groups, singing Kum Ba Yah together. Makes me wonder,....that's all...
I've spent hours--years, really--with dedicated, sincere people who explain how to build relationships with "minorities," or "our students," or "the unchurched"--anyone who is not "us," really. Almost always, they focus on what you say. In fact--active listening techniques aren't about listening, they are about talking! In theory, it's about how what you say about what you hear, but it's still not about how to listen. Not really. There are serious limits to active listening's core advice: show you're empathetic and trying to understand by restating what the person says. There are times that works, yes.But if that's the extent of how we build relationships and relate to the "not us" people, wow. No real communication there. No real understanding or building bridges or reaching out.
The gospels don't include a "Sermon from the 'Hood" because there wasn't one; building relationships and loving people rarely involves prolonged lectures. Jesus lectured other places, other times, maybe even to other types of people. But in the 'Hood, he listened. He learned, not just the facts--facts are easy to learn--but he learned what the faces of his people looked like as they talked to him. He didn't memorize mission statements; he memorized the faces that made the mission statement matter.
But we've established long ago that I don't like all the cuddly, happy, relationship-building, team-building happy crap. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I really don't know as much about reaching out as all the people who preach "active listening" and "protocols for building relationships." But for all the talk about building bridges and the importance of relationships, I don't see many campfires surrounded by people of all ages, all races, all socio-economic groups, singing Kum Ba Yah together. Makes me wonder,....that's all...
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